You were probably expecting some kind of poem with the way I titled this. Not today. I just don’t have the energy. Hell, it took a lot to open this laptop and find my way here but something drove me. The really tacked up thing about it is that I got to this blank page and that blinking cursor and didn’t know what to do after that.
When days are like this, I just usually go all fetal position on my bed with Adele blasting into my head. To top it off, the weather here is just a constant reminder of how homesick I tricked myself into thinking I wasn’t. Yeah, you’re probably asking, “What are you playing at here Leks?” And if you’re even here reading, I guess I do owe you some kind of answer to that question in exchange for your kindness for stopping by. But honestly, I really don’t know.
What I do know is that 99.999% of the people that know me don’t know there’s something I’ve been hiding from them. To many, this isn’t exactly a *big secret*. For me it’s the incredibly rude pink elephant in the corner eating all the biscuits, drinking all the Coke, and refusing to buy more. Keeping this from those I care about is a job of work that I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.
I have, how did the doctor put it, “Sever clinical depression”. I know. Big f-ing whoop, right? But the pretending is getting harder and harder as the days pass. I’ve already racked up 13 days of what I like to call ‘nothingness’. I’ve also backed out of 4 major events at the last minute and I won’t even go into the apocalyptic mess that was Valentine’s Day. Drawing, which is basic life support for me, I can’t even pick up a pencil right now. I can’t remember the last time I did any real singing. Moreover, I don’t remember the last time I could see beyond this black force-field controlling my every move and thought.
This feels like drowning with 5 babillion witnesses standing on the beach just watching you flail about. Add to that the tidal wave of thoughts that roar up from nowhere that threaten to be the last one on a daily basis. It’s like the “giggle loop”. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when you’re sitting in a place where you’re supposed to be quiet but you get a funny thought in your head which makes you giggle. Then you try to NOT giggle but another thought comes and you giggle even more. By that point it’s nearly impossible to stop the giggles and you look like some sort of daft git giggling like a mad person. Well, the thoughts are like that except NEVER funny. Mostly just your inner voice telling you how worthless you really are repeatedly.
Making connections with people that don’t know or understand what’s going on with me is like turning up to a party where everyone else in the world was invited but there was never an invitation intended for you.You keep putting this version of yourself out there and it keeps coming back with more and more scars of isolation. The question is, am I’m doing it to myself or am I just not someone that can be *connected* with? Has this broken brain of mine become the jealous lover that wants me all to his or her self?
Let’s also include the fact that I feel lost. I have this therapist now who keeps telling me things will change once the meds start working, but it doesn’t seem that will ever happen. I guess I’ll just lay here and let the world scurry outside whilst I continue to pretend. And hope for a better…
Someone Like Me.
Cognitive Discord 